485: Why vs. Should: Whose Goal Is This, Anyway?

Why vs. Should: Whose Goal Is This?

Why did you start running? When is the last time you actually thought about it?

A lot of people start running for a reason that matters to them. Maybe it was to improve their health, to see if they could run a certain distance, to prove something to themselves, or to challenge themselves.

But somewhere along the way, for a lot of runners, "I want to" or "I want to see if I can" turns into "I should." 

So when did running stop being your idea and start being something you think you should do?

In this article, I'll walk through the difference between a goal that comes from your why and a goal you took on because it felt like the next right step. We'll look at why one fuels you while the other drains you, and how to tell which one you're chasing.

What's the difference between a why and a should?

A why is the reason a goal matters to you, in your own words. It's about what the goal gives you, not just a time on the clock or a distance on your watch.

A should is a goal you took on because it seems like the expected next step, or because of what others might think. The reason lives outside of you. It isn't "I want this," it's "this is the next logical step" or "this is what other people expect of me."

This idea was partly inspired by a book I'm reading right now, Start With Why by Simon Sinek. His Golden Circle has three layers. The innermost circle is the why: your purpose, cause, or belief. The next circle out is the how, and the outermost is the what. Sinek frames this for leaders and organizations, arguing that the ones who inspire people start from the why and work outward.

Applying it to running is my own extension, not his, but it fits. The what is the distance or the time goal. The how is your training plan and process. The why is what the goal gives you: getting stronger, improving your health, an identity you want to grow into.

This is also why a number on the clock can't be your why. Break two hours in the half marathon is a good what. But the time itself isn't the reason. The why is the feeling you want when you get there, who you become along the way, and what that time stands for.

Your why will hold up when training gets hard. A should usually doesn't. "I should do this" is a lot harder to lean on during a long run you don't feel like doing.

How the drift happens: the next-right-step ladder

I see this pattern all the time: I ran a 5K, so I should run a 10K. I ran a 10K, so I should run a half marathon. I ran a half marathon, so I should break two hours, or run a full.

It feels natural because every rung makes the next one look more obvious and more achievable. If you just ran a half marathon, a full one doesn't seem so far away. Race calendars, friends, and social media keep asking the same question: "What's next?" That's where the language shifts from "I want to see if I can" to "I should."

This is a pattern I see in the runners I coach all the time. On one of our recent coaching calls, a client wanted input on her next goal. She has been training for a 5k and wanted to look ahead to her next race but wasn’t sure what to register for. The question was: should I do the 10k or the half marathon? 

She continued, “Last year I ran the 10k, so I should probably run the half marathon.” 

I stopped her right there and reminded her that there’s nothing she should or shouldn't do when it comes to running. This is her journey. So which one sounds more fun?

That's the question I want you to carry with you. 

We can get so caught up in “the next right step” that we forget that this whole thing should be FUN. We don’t have to run. We get to. There’s nothing that you have to do to be a runner. 

You get to choose…and how fun is that! 

What the research says

There's a well-studied framework for this called self-determination theory. It describes motivation as a continuum.

On the controlled side:

• External: "Because others expect it."

• Introjected: "Because I'd feel guilty or ashamed if I didn't."

On the autonomous side:

• Identified: "Because I believe it's good for me."

• Integrated: "Because it fits my life goals."

• Intrinsic: "Because I enjoy it."

Much of what sounds like "I should" lives on the controlled side. It's guilt, pressure, or proving your worth rather than choosing.

What does the evidence say about it?

• Getting started vs. sticking with it. A systematic review of 66 studies (Teixeira et al., 2012) found consistent support for a link between more autonomous motivation and exercise. Identified motivation, "I believe it's good for me," tended to predict getting started. Intrinsic motivation, "I enjoy it," was more predictive of long-term adherence. So you can should yourself into starting, but enjoyment has to show up somewhere along the way.

• Effort and payoff. The self-concordance model (Sheldon & Elliot, 1999) says goals that fit your interests and values lead to more sustained effort, and reaching them pays off more in well-being.

• Missed sessions. In a 2019 study of recreational exercisers, autonomous motivation was associated with fewer lapses. Introjected motivation made guilt and anxiety after a lapse more likely. That makes sense: if the reason you exercise is to avoid guilt, missing a session brings the guilt right away. If you do it because you enjoy it, missing a session is just a bummer.

• Meaningful reasons. In interviews with 20 new runners, meaningful reasons tied to identity, values, relationships, enjoyment, or a personal goal helped runners prioritize running and keep going.

These are mostly self-reported and observational, some are small, and not all were done in runners. They show a pattern, not a guarantee.

Outside goals aren't the enemy

If you want to qualify for Boston or earn a race medal, that can be a real spark. The question is whether the goal has become yours.

Sinek also talks about two ways to influence behavior: manipulate it or inspire it. Most of us use manipulation on ourselves, like a reward at the end of a run, and that's fine on a rough Monday. The goal is to have inspiration underneath it, a reason that carries you over the long term, like being strong enough to pick up your grandkids someday.

I think of it as a full tank of gas versus pushing the car. You can push a car for a while. You wouldn't plan a cross-country road trip that way.

Is it a why or a should?

Here are four questions to help you tell the difference:

1. If no one ever saw the result, with no medal and no posting on social media or Strava, would you still want it?

2. Can you finish the sentence "I want this because..." without using the word "should"?

3. When you picture the finish line, do you feel pulled toward it or relieved it will be over?

4. Whose voice is in your head, yours or someone else's?

You may hear both voices, and that's okay. Some outside motivation is normal. It just can't always be someone else's voice, or you'll get tired of it quickly.

The big question underneath all of these is: what is this going to give me? If the answer is only recognition, there's probably something deeper to find.

What to do about it

Reconnect to your why. Go back to your first reason for running and ask yourself whether it's still true or whether it has changed. Both are fine. Mine has changed several times. I started running to lose weight, and I hated it, which is why it never stuck in college. In grad school, it was about being part of a community. Then it became about being a strong example for my daughters. Your why is allowed to change over time. Just make sure you know what it is now.

Choose on purpose. A half marathon, a marathon, or a sub-two-hour half are all great goals as long as you're the one choosing them. The distance isn't the issue, and neither is the time. What matters is whether you have a reason and whether or not you like your reason.

Give yourself permission to step off the ladder. If you like 10Ks, run 10Ks. You never have to run a half marathon or a marathon. Increasing your distance is fine if you have a good reason, and not increasing it is fine too. I've been running for the joy of it for years: for consistency, for friendships, to move my body, and because of how I feel when I'm strong.

Write a why statement next to your goal. Not "I want to break two hours in the half marathon," but "I want to break two hours because..." What will it give you? What feeling do you want to have? What does it mean to you? If you can't fill in the blank, you might want to reconsider the goal.

Recheck your why as it changes. Your life experiences change your motives, so check in before you sign up for a race. A simple community 5K because it's convenient, your friends are doing it, and it's for a good cause doesn't need a big why. If you're about to dedicate the next nine months to training for a race, you want a solid one.

Three questions and one action step

Ask yourself:

1. Whose goal is this? Is it yours, or your running group's or a friend's?

2. What does it give me? What feeling will I have when I get there, and what identity does it help me build?

3. Would I still want it if no one knew?

Then pick the goal you're working toward right now and write its why in one sentence. Make it clear.

Your why is what carries you through the hard days and helps you do the hard things that lead to really cool stuff in your life. If this article made you think of a runner who needs to hear it, please share it with her.

Listen to the episode: Running Reconnected Podcast, Episode 485 [link].

References

• Teixeira PJ, Carraça EV, Markland D, Silva MN, Ryan RM. Exercise, physical activity, and self-determination theory: a systematic review. Int J Behav Nutr Phys Act. 2012.

• Sheldon KM, Elliot AJ. The self-concordance model (abstract). 1999.

• Self-determination in recreational exercise: associations with lapse and post-lapse emotions. Psychology of Sport and Exercise. 2019.

• How do new runners maintain their running, and what leads to others stopping? A qualitative, longitudinal study. Psychology of Sport and Exercise, volume 70.

• Sinek S. Start With Why: How Great Leaders Inspire Everyone to Take Action. Portfolio; 2009.